


I Like (the idea of) You

by yikesola



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009, Early Days, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2020-02-16 17:40:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18696214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yikesola/pseuds/yikesola
Summary: Phil likes the idea of Dan so goddamn much. He likes the idea of Dan liking him. He likes the idea of a future where they mean everything to each other— a future that is a pipe dream, he thinks, surely.A fic about learning more and days before the beginning.





	I Like (the idea of) You

The username starts popping up in Phil’s twitter feed in May. It’s a username he recognises from eager, frequent comments on his videos. One he starts to look for, if a video has been up for a few hours without a comment from a certain _danisnotonfire_.

“I mean, he’s clearly gone on you,” Anja says, smiling and shaking her head over the three tweets and copious comments danisnotonfire has posted regarding Phil’s interactive “Space Adventure” video.

“He just has great taste,” Phil says.

Phil holds off on responding to him until June. Then it’s a steady flood of interaction from there— Facebook and DailyBooth and Skype and texting. It’s not long before some communication with Dan is the first thing Phil sees in the morning and the last thing he sees at night. The more he learns about the boy behind the username, the more he likes.

But there are dangerous things he learns too— not dangerous exactly, but things that make him hesitate.

Things like Dan’s eighteen years to his twenty-two. Things like Dan living all the way down south by Reading, far from Phil’s family home near Manchester or his uni at York. Things like Dan’s lovely girlfriend of three years, the fact that he has never kissed a boy, the fact that he’s only quite recently understood the part of himself that wants to. This, compared to Phil’s lifelong lack of a proper relationship, but a crystal clear understanding of the difference between kissing boys and kissing girls and just what it is he likes about each.

Things that make it easy enough to tell Ian and Anja and Charlie whenever they tease Phil about Dan that it’s just… not gonna happen. That they’re friends. Slowly becoming something like best friends. And that it’s for the better, really, if things stay that way.

Not that he doesn’t find himself slipping from time to time.

Dan is nothing if not persistent, messaging Phil so much it feels like he lives inside Phil’s pocket alongside his phone, talking to Phil about YouTube and films and video games, impressing him all the while. None of this is helped by the fact that Dan is bloody gorgeous. No, despite Phil’s best efforts, he likes the idea of Dan so goddamn much. He likes the idea of Dan liking him. He likes the idea of a future where they mean everything to each other— a future that is a pipe dream, he thinks, surely.

Sometimes they’re Skyping for so many hours that it’s actually closer to morning by the time they hang up, and Dan says, “Goodnight, Phil,” with a dimpled smile that leaves Phil thinking no one in the world says his name quite like that. He can’t pinpoint exactly why or how. But it’s all he thinks about as he falls asleep.

A mid-August night has Dan moody because of a fight with his girlfriend. Not a bad one; they never really have bad fights. Just a spat.

Phil is moody as well, but it’s mostly because he’s trapped in his own head with his own thoughts and they are too loud to get any actual good thinking done. Uni is almost over, so many of his friends are coupling off, he feels lost and lonely and honestly some of the only times he isn’t outright terrified these days of his life and what he’s meant to do with it, is when he’s talking to Dan.

“D’you ever think,” Dan asks, breaking through Phil’s thoughts, “that sometimes the idea of a person is better? Like what you dream up about them? Then later when they fill in the blanks they’re like… rubbish?”

Phil is immediately anxious over the thought that Dan means him. That Dan means, “ _I watched your videos for years and thought we’d be great friends, and now that we are… well… I actually hate you. Sorry!_ ” He’s too anxious over it to even answer Dan at first, but that doesn’t seem to matter as Dan keeps speaking.

“It’s like, I dunno… I have this old VHS of _Aladdin_ that I’d watch over and over and over as kid, and it has a preview on it for _White Fang_. I didn’t really know anything about _White Fang_ except for that trailer, and I kinda I guess made up what I thought the movie was about and had this whole story in my head that was great and I really loved it. Then maybe two years ago, I finally actually saw _White Fang_ and it was… fine. It wasn’t the story in my head obviously, but it was fine. I even read the book, because I didn’t realise as a kid, obviously, that it was a book. And that was gruesome. It wasn’t a plain old boy-and-his-dog story at all like I thought it was. It was cold and mean and sometimes really beautiful but mostly just… mostly not. And I get that that’s the point, right? But also, I liked the idea I had of the movie so much better.”

Through Dan’s whole anecdote, Phil feels ready to pass out. He’s nodding, but he’s so afraid and expectant to be told off by Dan as soon as the story wraps up. So ready for this metaphor to all mean that the idea of Phil is far more appealing than the reality could ever be—

“Sometimes I think my girlfriend is like that,” Dan says. “Like years ago she saw the preview for me and made up in her head what the rest of me was. Then she saw the movie. Then she read the book. And I’m… fine.”

He pouts and Phil’s stomach twists; Phil would never actually say so aloud, but Dan looks positively sinful when he pouts. His eyes are so big, and his lips so plump and inviting. But he’s pouting because he’s sad, and that sadness dampens the visceral aspects of Phil’s desire, because he’d do anything to keep Dan from being sad. He spends so much of his time trying to make Dan laugh, after all. He gets such a thrill down to his fingertips when Dan finds him funny.

“Yeah, Dan, I get it,” Phil says, trying desperately to be helpful. He’s also trying desperately not to show his relief. A wipe of his sweaty brow and a theatrical _whew!_ couldn’t possibly make Dan feel better even if this conversation isn’t having the dreaded outcome Phil’s anxious brain had convinced himself it would at first.

Dan shrugs. “It just sucks.”

“If it means anything, that didn’t happen with me,” Phil says, suddenly brave in an inexplicable and unearned way. Maybe it’s just the adrenalin still running through him. “I like you the more I know you.”

Dan blushes. “Not just the idea of me?”

“I like that too,” Phil smiles. “I like almost everything about you.”

“Almost?”

Phil nods. There’s still the age and the distance and the girlfriend… he likes so much about Dan, but he doesn’t like those things one bit. He doesn’t really know how to say so, though, and he already feels like he’s said far too much.

Maybe he’ll get another surge of bravery another time, he thinks. This will do for now. Those surges of bravery _do_ happen, amongst the hesitation and the indecision that defines his life right now. Moments of bravery like auditioning for _Big Brother_ , and uploading sometimes-silly sometimes-strange videos online, and flirting enthusiastically with a boy whom he can’t help wondering how it’d be to love him.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading— come say hi on [tumblr](http://yikesola.tumblr.com/post/184625158909/i-like-the-idea-of-you) !


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